Thoughts and Strategies on Anger
"Anger is only one letter away from Danger"
Families need a plan for anger a normal and often appropriate response to hurt and fear. We often deny anger. Then, it becomes a problem. We want to believe it will go away, but it remains unresolved. Anger won't be ignored. Here are some ideas for dealing with anger in your family.
First, identify the early warning signs of anger. Children often don't recognize anger. In fact, many times they act out before they realize what happened. With more life experience we adults can help them identify early warning signs to help our children become more aware of their feelings. This gives them more opportunity to control their responses.
Some common clues of anger are:
• tensed body, butterflies in the tummy, flushed face and/or warmed body
• clenched teeth
• increased intensity of speech or behavior including unkind words or the tone of voice changes to whining or yelling
• noises with the mouth like growls or deep breathing
• pouting
• squinting, rolling the eyes, or other facial expressions
• restlessness, withdrawal, unresponsiveness, or being easily provoked
You can help them recognize the clues. Look for signs and gently point them out before an eruption. Eventually our children will be able to see their own frustration and anger and choose appropriate responses sooner than later. They'll be able to move from awareness to action before things get worse. Let's face it anger is just unpleasant for everyone, even the angry child.
Things, however can get out of hand so what can you do?
• Move the child outside. Stay with her/him. Children are small enough for us to escort them to a safe place away from the stimulus.
• Give words to the anger. Say for the child what you think is provoking his/her anger. They will learn to express the anger with words rather than violence. Remind them to, "Use your words."
• Stay near, and don't isolate. Stay as close to your child as they'll allow. As calm returns move in closer. Your presence helps absorb his angry emotions. Isolation often makes children angrier.
• Don't try to talk anyone out of anger, but don't give in to demands, either. Don't try reasoning or using logic or explanations, and wait. Listen and reflect. Again, don't give in. If you do, a child learns that angry outbursts get it what it wants.
• Don't spank, hit, or slap an angry child. It makes matters worse and escalates the anger.
• Most important, when a child shifts into high gear with anger, it's our cue to shift into low. Speak slower and turn your volume lower. If someone's anger triggers yours, it is better to walk away until you return to your emotional equilibrium. This is a good time for us to take a "time out." Be careful not to react with anger.
Anger can be helpful. It helps us identify problems. It reveals things that are wrong. Some of those things are inside of us and require adjustments to expectations or demands. Other problems are outside of us and need to be addressed in a constructive way. We need to help children understand that anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. Be proactive in teaching children about frustration management, anger control, rage reduction and releasing bitterness.
Model, discuss, read and teach your children about anger. There are several good books on this subject available, which are written for children at various age levels. Talk about examples of frustration and anger seen in children's videos. Talk about appropriate responses. Work together as a family to identify anger and choose constructive solutions. When anger problems seem out of control or you just don't know what to do, get help. Sometimes a third party can provide the helpful suggestions and guidelines to motivate your family to deal with anger in a more helpful way. Unresolved anger can create problems in relationships later on. Children do not grow out of bitterness, they grow into it.
