Grief: Living Through the Loss of a Spouse
What is the experience of the bereaved spouse in society today? In my experience as a psychotherapist, common themes have emerged regarding grieving spouses.
Widow and Widower
Research suggests nine out of 10 grieving spouses object emotionally to the terms “widow” and “widower." They don’t like the “sound” of them and do not want to be labeled as such. Mourners feel that others don’t like the terms either. Apparently, the association to death and dying is, unconsciously if not consciously, threatening. Confronting a widow or widower may remind one of one’s own mortality or stir thoughts and feelings about death and losing one’s own partner. Often a subtle but powerful ostracism that takes place as a result. At the very time when a person is feeling isolated and alone, the widow/widower "label" compounds the isolation.
After the Funeral: Isolation and Loneliness
Time moves at different speeds. After the initial trauma, the flurry of activity surrounding the funeral, the condolence cards, the onrush of calls and visits, a short time goes by and there is often a dramatic and painful cessation. Well-meaning friends, coworkers and even relatives resume their lives. Meanwhile, the bereaved spouse is just beginning to emerge from the shock. Anxiety, anger and depression can set in. When support or contact is most needed, it is in short supply. This is a pivotal moment for the spouse who is now really beginning to grieve.
Why does this isolation occur? Surely people realize that grief doesn’t end after a few weeks or months? In our fast-paced, quick-fix society, we are accustomed to “moving on” or “getting over it.” Perhaps we pop a pill. We find distractions to avoid facing pain. We have little tolerance for the slow, painful process that is grief and mourning. True grief and mourning.
Moving Past the Loss
Acceptance. If you are a friend of the bereaved, accept that the loneliness particular to the widow or widower grows more acute with time before it begins to ebb. Even then, it ebbs and flows. Loss is very powerful.
Reach out and offer support. Do not be afraid that to inquire will stir best-forgotten feelings. Those feelings are always there under the surface. Perhaps you will indeed elicit a tear…why is this to be avoided? Most likely you will elicit some relief that you haven’t forgotten your friend’s loss or sorrow. It will help his/her state of mind and mental health.
You will also lessen the isolation. We are a society prone to congratulate those who are “being strong” or “hanging in there." This tendency can lead a mourner to withdraw, hide or isolate, increasing the anxiety and loneliness. Widows and widowers can feel that insidious push to move on and may feel there is something wrong if they do not act according to society’s schedule. This is potentially tragic.
If you are the bereaved, be patient. Lack of patience with one’s own grieving process can lead to various difficulties, including impulsivity, workaholism, premature remarriage and depression. Certainly some depression is normal, but it is not the same as developing clinical depression. This form of major depression can actually result from the inability to fully traverse the mourning process.
Accept another’s well intentioned hand—accept support. The most prominent complaints I hear from bereaved spouses are “no one ever asks" and "no one knows what it’s really like.” This door swings both ways. Asking the bereaved shows concern and willingness to listen. Listening itself can ameliorate the mourner's feeling that no one understands. Likewise, if an offer is made, try to accept it as much as possible. Sharing feelings with a caring individual can work wonders to ease the loneliness and lift the spirits.
Expand your experience. Some spouses find psychotherapy very beneficial. Working with a single dedicated individual can be comforting and strengthening. For others, especially those who find it hard to reach out, a bereavement support group can be helpful. Because each member has suffered an enormous loss, that common element lifts the isolation, on a feeling level. Members may be at different places in their grieving, but this also shows that people do survive their loss and learn ways to cope with being newly single. Bonds form, loneliness abates and hope is restored.
To learn more about grief therapy or joining a widow/widower support group, feel free to call me at 973-783-6977,x59.
