Is it Time to Consider Marriage Counseling or Couples' Therapy?
Why do the words "marriage counseling" and "couples' therapy" strike terror into the hearts of so many husbands and wives?
Certainly an interest in salvaging relationships has been a media topic for many decades. Psychotherapy and marriage counseling have become common themes on television. In fact, these media motifs make it easier for people to seek help, reducing the stigma and eliminating some of the mystery. All too often, however, couples view seeking help for their troubled marriages as a last resort, or worse, an admission of failure. The former is unfortunate; the latter is simply inaccurate.
The Hesitance to Seek Help
People need to understand that conflict, inevitable in a long-term relationship, need not be a sign of danger, but rather an opportunity for increased understanding and communication. If a relationship is to thrive, change will be a necessary, if somewhat frightening, component. Particularly for men, seeking help for problems is anathema. In American culture many men are still raised to believe they must do everything unaided. They are not taught to express their feelings, especially sadness, tears or an admission of needing help. This poses a tremendous burden for men, often resulting in physical ailments including heart attack, ulcers, hypertension and stroke. Likewise, it is also a burden for men’s partners, who are often left to nag them to visit the doctor, or, apropos of marital woes, feel cut off, lonely, or in the dark as to what their husbands are thinking or feeling. Often both partners are reluctant to bring up issues or just don't know how. And broaching the subject of marriage counseling can be even more anxiety-provoking. They don't realize how much relief can be found by airing their concerns to an interested but objective third party.
What, then, are some of the issues couples bring to the counseling room?
The number one issue is lack of communication, communication breakdown. Wives and husbands often had trouble, even before marriage, identifying or expressing their own needs. Each partner is given the opportunity, often for the first time, to explore these needs and then learn, in a safe atmosphere, to communicate them to his/her spouse. People are often amazed at how increased understanding can lead to more closeness.
Escalating fights. Couples fight instead of talk. They do not listen; they tune out. Often the words don't matter; the situation has devolved into a power struggle. What is this power struggle really about? Problems must be reframed; the couple resolves them together for a mutully beneficial outcome rather than a win-lose competition.
In-laws and child rearing practices. Why mention these together? Both involve "baggage" that each spouse brings to the table from each one's family of origin.
One doesn't have to look far to see how the "meddling" of in-laws causes difficulties. Surprise—the in-laws themselves are not the problem. Rather, one or the other spouse has not sufficiently "separated" from his/her family, most commonly parents. For a couple to thrive, the marital relationship must be the primary attachment, the priority. If a spouse values parental input over that of his/her partner, the marriage will certainly suffer. This revelation is often startling and changing it can be hard work. The results, however, can be dramatic, greatly decreasing one partner's feelings of neglect or resentment and increasing a feeling of togetherness and teamwork.
Our own child-rearing practices evolve from how we were raised and the relational quality with our parents. Disagreements here can abound. What is obscure, often unconscious, is the degree to which we form identifications with our children. Clients are often amazed when they begin to realize that when son Johnny is five, or seven, or 10, conflicts that arose at those same ages for one or both parents will be reactivated. Suddenly that parent is once again responding internally to long-repressed memories. A wife is no longer a wife but big bad Mommy. A couple will disagree about how to handle Johnny's temper tantrums because it is now Johnny and Mommy calling the shots, not Dad and Mom, husband and wife.
All effective couples' work requires examining both childhoods to minimize the spouses seeing each other through the lenses of the past. Our ability to turn our spouses into our parents and the power it exerts cannot be underestimated and it can happen reflexively. That reflex must be observed in slow motion to determine what components are causing unfortunate distortions.
Sexual difficulties. Most prevalent is a lack of desire on the part of one or both partners, hence infrequent or nonexistent sexual relations. This situation is often rationalized as due to lack of time, children, or exhaustion. While these certainly can be legitimate factors, scratching below the surface usually reveals more significant reasons for a lack of intimacy. A frank and detailed assessment of the sexual difficulties is necessary, beginning with a physician's visit to rule out physical problems.
More often than not sexual avoidance is the issue. Many couples simply do not know how to talk to each other about their needs and desires, likes and dislikes. Anxiety and resentment can build up and it may seem easier to avoid sex altogether. Anger is a common reason for avoidance and is definitely a libido killer. Or, as mentioned earlier, if a spouse is perceived as a parent rather than a peer, sex will go out the window.
Even couples who are very close or who "do everything together" may avoid sexual intimacy. Such couples may actually be in need of some psychological space. A sense of separateness is essential to healthy bonding. If one doesn't feel secure as a separate individual intimacy may feel scary. Often people talk about fear of losing a sense of self and create distance to preserve it. Sex is often avoided though it may not be conscious.
Infidelity. For many spouses this is a deal breaker. For others, as long as an affair has ended, a couple can recover, working through anger and betrayal. By discussing the situation in detail a couple can gain tremendous insight into each other and how their relationship devolved to this point. Infidelity can be viewed as a symptom, not just a violation. Healing is possible for many.
The Therapist's Role in Marriage Counseling
What is the common thread among all the reasons for seeking marriage counseling or couples' therapy? It is a universal human struggle—that of trying to strike a comfortable balance between closeness and distance. Every individual wrestles with this. If a couple is out of sync it can be very helpful to involve a caring, objective third party.
Enter the therapist. The first step in effective marriage counseling is an extended evaluation. Joint and individual sessions are often recommended. The therapist must get to know the two individuals involved and the couple must decide if they feel comfortable enough to proceed.
The marriage counselor's role is not to save the marriage, but to help two individuals clarify what they may or may not be able to achieve in their unique partnership. Undoubtedly, this is hard work and there are no guarantees of a happy ending. But those who are unwilling to examine themselves or their relationships when trouble strikes are most likely to end up divorced, with no understanding of what really happened.
If you think you might be interested in pursuing marriage counseling or couples' therapy, feel free to call me at 973-783-6977,x59.
